The Massage Behind the Sombrero and Back Down to Florida

I drove down to Florida again while not eating too much along the way (because the mini storage clearer Barry of  the Satanic countenance who is self reportedly worth eight million plus and the landlord of 72 appartments in Havestraw, New York {go into McDonalds and you can always have-a-straw no problem} said that I was forty pounds overweight- and imagehe should know he has also headed a volunteer ambulance corps for upteen years).

I was not breathing well so remembering the Osaka Spa sign in Northern South Carolina (or was it Southern North Carolina?) with the directions depending from which way you come.

On the last time coming North (as opposed to this immediate time going south) this driver was unable to read the instructions from the highway billboard even close to properly.

This time I decided to focus and the lines at the bottom of the sign read “south 301 one mile exit 1B” .  Now it follows that for the next stretch of road it read I-95 South and 301 South and then in about a mile an exit read 301 south (but the exit was not 1b but rather 14).

So in a state  of confusion I  got off the main highway  and drove along the rural course of rte. 30 (with an eatery with a name like the meal pit and a couple of Baptist churchs).  Meanwhile, eventually I pulled over to get directions and also purchased a coca-cola as well as a lottery ticket for the hundred and sixty million dollar plus Carolina education lottery.

So after advisement I took rte 501 back to I-95 and realized that the right thing to do was to to wait for exit 1B off of the main route (and of course this led directly to the just over the line famed South Carolina attraction “South of the Border”.  When I got to exit 1B the road off it was going north.  I took the route north and realizing I was going nowhere this writer turned back around South towards South of the border literally going across the border between the Carolinas twice.

So after doing a three sixty and going past all of Pedro’s famed attractions including the sombrero tower there it was. Lo and behold!  ; with almost no cars parked around its’ periphery and with an inflatable balloon frontage it was the Osaka Spa.

A fat man in a white t-shirt was entering and there was a sign on a nearby structure for exotic dancers.  I was saying “oh no” but having trouble breathing I was really needing a massage.  A non-Oriental woman answered the doorbell and let me in.  She said that it was seventy dollars for an hour and fifty for a half.

I thought that this was too much but being in need I agreed. Next I saw an Oriental woman in a silly cocktail dress go into a room.  All the while I awaited my own masseuse (who when she came  wanted the money up front).  I only had twenties so she took sixty and I demanded my ten dollars change.    She said “shower, sauna, and twenty minute massage”. This customer said that he “had paid for a half hour massage” .  She said than “no shower”.  So I said “ok no shower” and the massage progressed.

Shot from Atop the Sombrero Looking Across at the South of the Border Campus

I fell asleep and snored.  Then when I woke she handed me the ten dollars and told me to go to a hotel because I was driving and falling asleep and that this was no good.  However I felt much better and drove all the way through to Jacksonville.

When I got to the the home of the Cougars I could not find my cellphone and thought that one of those people  who walk back and forth across parking lots for no particular reason in the Sunshine State had swiped it.  This fit of paranoia happened at a Red Roof Inn where the cicadas cackle and they have an excellent coffee machine which generates a mean mocoa.  I stayed here again at this very reasonable and clean hotel after the Jacksonville airport Wingate was sold out.

(By the way, did you know that the former Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Ben Bernake once worked at the 1-95 roadside attraction city as a serape wearing waiter at the Sombrero Room?).

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6 Responses to “The Massage Behind the Sombrero and Back Down to Florida”

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  4. good man Says:

    i got a great rub and tug there in 2004 i love stopping there when traveling I95

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